I’m going to post a series of short stories featuring characters I have made up. Allow me to introduce them.
“Daniel the Intellectual” – Scientist, father and strong critic of religion.
“Maria the Caretaker” – Wife of Daniel, artist and new age musician.
“Matthew the Warrior” – Son of Daniel and Maria, rock guitarist and singer for the Band of Messengers and computer gamer.
“Suzanne the Feminist” – Daughter of Daniel and Maria, rock singer and guitarist in the Band of Messengers, lesbian and a sworn enemy of the NRA and the Republican Party.
“Tommy the Comic” – Younger son of Daniel and Maria, drummer in the Band of Messengers, loves to tell jokes to make others look stupid, but also very loving to those he cares about.
“Lisa the Latina” – Romantic partner of Suzanne, joins the Band of Messengers as a bassist.
“Carla the Afro” – Matthew’s African-American girlfriend, joins the Band of Messengers as a keyboardist.
One day “Suzanne the Feminist” was confronted at her home by her anti-abortion neighbor about her pro-choice views. “How can you justify murdering babies?” the neighbor demanded. Suzanne then went into her kitchen and returned with an egg, which she then stomped on.
“According to your stupid beliefs, I just killed a chicken.” Suzanne declared, “But would even YOU claim that an unhatched egg is in any way equal to a fully grown chicken? Then how the hell can you seriously claim that a fetus is equal to the woman carrying it?! NOW GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!”
“Daniel the Intellectual” once received an e-mail from a friend who was a global warming skeptic. “If the Earth is getting warmer,” the friend asked, “Why are some glaciers in the world actually becoming more massive?” Daniel responded with some detailed lessons from Chemistry 101 and the friend never bothered him about climate change again.
“Matthew the Warrior” and the other members of the Band of Messengers were asked to sign a record contract which specified that the band had to play pop-rock songs written for them by songwriters hired by the record label. They would also be paid $100,000 for every song they recorded this way. They refused the contract. “A true artist never pretends to do music done by others just to be paid,” Matthew declared, “I’d rather be poor and respected by my peers than a millionaire and a sell-out!”
“Tommy the Comic” once had a girlfriend who was stricken with a malignant brain tumor. Instead of abandoning her as she became increasingly ill, Tommy actually offered to marry her and after the wedding, he stayed by her side for several more months until she died in a hospital surrounded by her relatives, including Tommy himself.
At a music awards ceremony, the Band of Messengers was up for an award, Breakout Artist, that a year earlier a pop group had won only to be exposed as frauds a few months later. “Matthew the Warrior” had told friends of his at that time that such awards should not even be given out, so now he was in an awkward position. Accepting the award would make him a hypocrite. “Suzanne the Feminist” then suggested the band write a statement to the award organizers requesting that their nomination be removed and another band win the award instead. This was done….and then after the award was given to the other band, the letter was made public by the organizers. The resulting publicity caused the debut album by the Band of Messengers to rocket up the charts!
“Maria the Caretaker” once gave $10 to a homeless woman so she could eat a meal at a restaurant. A friend of her then warned, “She may tell others and then they ALL may come and ask you for money!”
Maria said, “You can come up with a hundred excuses not to do good, but I need only ONE reason to do it.” And then she ended the friendship.
Daniel, Maria, Matthew, Carla, Suzanne, and Tommy met for Valentine’s Day. Suzanne brought her new girlfriend, Lisa, who would later join the Band of Messengers as “Lisa the Latina”. Daniel and Maria only cared about one thing: would Lisa love their daughter as much as they did? Lisa then told the family about her own parents disowning her for being lesbian.
“That means their love for you was conditional,” Daniel said. “And conditional love is not real. Such hypocrisy…..” and shook his head in sadness.
“Suzanne the Feminist” once won an award for a song she wrote for the Band of Messengers. When she went up to accept the award, her speech was interrupted by another singer, Josh, who said, “Kelly deserved the award more!” Suzanne replied, “You do realize that Kelly is MARRIED, don’t you? If her husband hears about this, I’d recommend you go into hiding and STOP HITTING ON KELLY!” Josh was so embarrassed that he shut up and never bothered Suzanne again, though some of Josh’s fans did send Suzanne hate mail. Suzanne, of course, couldn’t have cared less.
A few weeks after a mass shooting at a high school, the Band of Messengers visited the school and gave away 1000 free tickets to a local concert they played the following weekend. They also had a “hugfest” in which they hugged every student of that school instead of signing autographs.
One night at a hotel while the Band of Messengers was on tour, “Suzanne the Feminist” had to deal with a drunken fan who was stupid enough to make a pass at her in an elevator at 2 in the morning. Suzanne was so enraged that she proceeded to beat the man senseless, requiring treatment at a local ER later. Suzanne was later arrested for assault and disorderly conduct, but the charges were later dropped because the “victim” was too embarrassed to publicly admit he had been beaten by a girl!
“Tommy the Comic” got a phone call from a telemarketer and was so annoyed at being interrupted from the Band of Messengers’ practice session that day that he posted the number he got the call from on the band’s website. The band’s many fans then proceeded to call the number in question and leave angry messages, jamming up that company’s phone system.
“Maria the Caretaker” and “Suzanne the Feminist” once grew their hair all the way to their butts and then cut most of it off to donate to Locks of Love, and by doing so convinced thousands of the Band of Messengers’ female fans to do the same.
“Matthew the Warrior” asked about doing a tour of an African country, only to be told that the people there were so poor that most of them could not even pay for the Band of Messengers’ ticket prices. “How did they get that way?” He asked his father, “Daniel the Intellectual”. Daniel replied, “They were practically enslaved by Europeans for over a century and the Europeans took most of their wealth.”
Matthew was disgusted and said, “When you are so poor you cannot afford to have a decent living, you also cannot contribute to a growing economy!”
“Welcome to our corporatist and imperialist world!” said Daniel.